2000
March 25, 2000
August 6, 2000
Undated
2001
2003
February 10, 2003
February 10, 2003 (Part 2)
February 11, 2003
February 13, 2003
February 14, 2003
February 19, 2003
February 20, 2003
February 23, 2003
February 25, 2003
March 7, 2003
March 9, 2003
March 10, 2003
Sunday, August 6, 2000
Know what I hate? That feeling that you beling with someone while your mind
knows you don't. It leaves such a void in your stomach, kind of scorching your
heart into depression.
Take this for example: my ever growing infatuation for Natalie Portman. She's
incredibly good looking, and you know she's smart because she attends Harvard,
but I know in my mind I'll never have a shot. The sad thing is, you fantasize
some amazing meeting and you somehow win her over with your love, intelligence,
and looks. What's worse though, is after you come down from this fantasy you
still hold a sliver of hope this will happen in reality. Hope has to be the
most depressing emotion, because it leaves you believing in something that will
never come true.
What I despise even more? It's the fact I know I'm going to be rich. It's not an asperation, I feel like I HAVE to do it. The thing I never feel, and probably never will feel sure about, is love. I'm a pretty demanding person, and my unrealistic goals always seem to leave me with nothing. What I don't understand is why we all have to compensate. It seems to me that none of us ever get what we really want. All we do is smile and nod, and pretend we're happy with what we have. But we aren't happy with what we have, but we don't know how to escape. We are all trapped, and I am at the bottom of the pit, scratching desparetely for light.
That'st he problem with reality: I always feel like I've already lived it out. Somehow, I know what's going to happen. I'll end up locking up all my emotions, get a job doing repetitive tasks, have a moderately attractive wife, produce 2 kids, and act like I'm happy. I'll put on a big smile for a family a picture and hang it in the middle of my office to show how 'great' I feel about the life I've lived. It just makes me cry, because inside my mind and my heart, everything's been played out, and my only escape is death.